Saturday, March 14, 2009

The 912 Project AKA Glenn Goes Beckshit Crazy AKA I’m Trying to Wrestle the Spotlight Away From Rush Limbaugh

Glenn Beck’s new website is The 912 Project. It’s Craigslist for Republicans. He announced it on his special show yesterday “We the People: You Are Not Alone.” He wants to unite us, but only the 9/12 us, not the 9/10 us.

It’s an obvious use of the “day after 9/11” concept that is often used in Beck’s conservative circles. Meaning that the terrorists changed everything and we can’t live with the relaxed attitudes of yore.

Beck’s 12 values as of 9/12 are: Honesty (through fake tears), Reverence (honoring our forefathers by rejecting the government they formed), Hope (not the Obama kind), Thrift (don’t forget to buy my Hate U T-shirt and magnet. It’s a must have), Humility (humble enough to make this list of “my” values for you to follow), Charity (with caveats), Sincerity (and fake tears), Moderation (by going overboard), Hard Work (at getting choked up), Courage (to be crazy in public), Personal Responsibility (of Fox News for putting a lunatic on the air), Gratitude (to myself ‘cause I’m the best).

And the 9 principles as of 9/12 are: 1. America is good, (What’s my definition of America? It used to mean the post 9/11 you must support the Bush administration situation and the citizens I agree with but now it just means the citizens who agree with me) 2. I believe in God and he is the Center of my life, (god is a Christian god, Muslims worship some foreign type god and I used to be an addict so if I don’t fear god, I relapse. Can I get an amen?) 3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday, (people should know every little thing that I’m thinking) 4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government, (my daughter can’t have an abortion without my consent, and don’t mention my sacred divorce, that’s in the past) 5. If you break the law, you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it, (I’m afraid the terrorists at Gitmo are going to get a fair trial in the US) 6. I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results, (suck it underprivileged children, your parents are dumb) 7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable, (Instead, I want Glenn Beck to mandate my charity-see #6 of the 12 values) 8. It’s not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion, (unless the President is a Conservative and it’s 0 to 7 years after 9/11 and then I must stand blindly behind my President and keep my opinions to myself) 9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me. (So if I break the law, then I shouldn’t pay the penalty—Wait, principle #5. Am I above the government or are they below me? Oh, right, I’m a top. Then I won’t pay my taxes.)

So strap on your tennis shoes and cut off your balls, we’re starting a cult. As an added bonus if we act now, we get to watch his mental breakdown accompanied by Chuck Norris via satellite. I hope he sells a lot of Total Gyms.

Glenn Beck is Howard Beale from “Network.” Not the “Mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore” Howard Beale. No, Glenn’s not angry, he’s scared, wimperingly scared. He’s the evangelizing “news man” portion of Howard Beale as evidenced by the video below minus the exposing of his AND the media’s lies for ratings.

Let’s take a look at Glenn Beck’s new logo.

It’s a knock off of the political cartoon that Benjamin Franklin drew as a representation of the “disunited state” of the colonies.

The slogan beneath it read “JOIN, or DIE.” So Beck, like P. Diddy before him is borrowing from BenFran in a sloppy way. P. Diddy went with “Vote or Die!” which was a bit of an overstatement. And Beck went with “UNITE, or DIE” in order to promote disuniting with the government.

And before that the original Gadsen Flag had an intact snake which read “DON’T TREAD ON ME” a much more likely slogan for what Beck wants but he went with Franklin’s ‘cause he’s a brand name and Beck believes in the superstition that a snake cut up into pieces will reunite and come back to life at sundown… sundown on 9/11. Which if you go by the Jewish way of starting the day, is the beginning of the 9/12 Sabbath.

Beck wants us to unite against the government. Franklin wanted us to unite AS a government.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Mormon Endowment Ceremony on Big Love

Big Love’s going to give us a look inside the Mormon temple. In the usual attempt not to get publicity, the LDS church has caused way more publicity than this show usually gets. The showrunner released this message in response to their concerns: “We therefore took great pains to depict the ceremony with the dignity and reverence it is due.”

Reverence it is due? I did the research for the Bill Maher documentary “Religulous” so you know where I’m going with this. Mormonism is a knock off of Christianity just like Christianity is a knock off of every other early polytheism. There’s a treasure hunting Joseph Smith who finds success as a prophet by making up a story about finding golden plates in the ground which no one else ever saw and are just plagiarizisms of the King James Bible and View of the Hebrews. He’s very L Ron Hubbard in his copying of any old thing laying about and passing himself off as a prophet.

Joseph Smith was a seer trained to locate buried treasure “put his face over the hat to block the light, and then "see" the sought-for information in the stone's reflections.” View of the Hebrews was published five years before the Book of Mormons by someone other than Joseph Smith. And therefore we often said during filming that Mormonism is a religion based on a dime store novel.

So I’ll just list off some “facts” that most people don’t know about Mormonism:

Native Americans sailed here from Israel in 600 BC.

The Garden of Eden is in Jackson, Missouri.

Here’s the part that freaks out Christians “Jesus Christ was not begotten by the Holy Ghost. (“Journal of Discourses”, Vol. 1:50-51, Brigham Young)

GOD LIVES ON KOLOB - KOLOB is a planet nearest to the throne of God. Abraham 3:2 “And I saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; … 3 …the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God (The Book of Mormon)

WE ARE GODS - Doctrine and Covenants 132:19 “And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, …Ye …shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—… 20 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. (The Book of Mormon)

The Caffeine thing came about from an interpretation of D&C 89:9 in the Book of Mormon about not drinking hot drinks which was interpreted to mean tea and coffee which was then extrapolated into cola drinks in "Q&A: Questions and Answers," New Era, Oct. 1975, 34. So a magazine told Mormons the evils of Coca Cola.

They baptize themselves in the name of those of us who are not Mormons. Including dead people like Jews who died in the Holocaust. Whether you know it or not, you may very well have already been baptized. “Big Love” showed this practice a couple of episodes ago without anyone saying much about it. One of the wives’ mother’s died, she was not a Mormon so one of the wives was baptized for her. No one went into an uproar then because no one was paying attention.

Willard Marriott, the chief of the hotel of the same name, said about the Magic Mormon Underwear (that a Mormon must wear under their clothing) during a “60 Minutes” interview “I was in a very serious boat accident. Fire--boat was on fire, I was on fire. I was burned. My pants were burned right off of me. I was not burned above my knee. Where the garment was, I was not burned.”

So we’re all gods. And god lives on another planet. And black people are cursed, once the curse is gone they will turn white. Thank god indeed. I’m just surprised that more people aren’t making fun of Mormons and their space god shit like they do with Scientologists. Here’s the religion in easy to digest cartoon form and the “60 Minutes” interview about the merits of fire retardant god cotton. It’s like the black box of underwear. They should make their whole outfit out of it.

Castle, It’s Just a TV Show

“Castle” premiered on ABC last night. And I have one rhetorical question (I know there’s no such thing as a rhetorical question on the internet) to ask. Do you like tried and true guy goofs off while girl is straight laced and not having any of his hilarious sexual innuendo? Then this is the show for you.

Nathan Fillion of “Firefly” is the goof off novelist whose plot lines are being copied by a killer. This actor has made his living playing flawed yet likeable. But on the topic of the plot of the show, I think the funny man straight man dynamic has been replaced by the funny man straight girl dynamic. Or more recently the funny guy funny guy dynamic. “Sahara,” “National Treasure,” really any bounty hunting vehicle shows this well. I mean, it’s not just the girl isn’t funny thing, it’s the girl is the responsible one thing. “Knocked Up,” you know, you can just keep going and going and going.

Now that women have been accepted consistently as action stars, to the point of it being formula, the next break through will be a woman being unreliably goofy. Ditzy is different. I mean sexually aggressive and dumb yet intelligent goofy. And I don’t care if you think women aren’t any of those things. It doesn’t matter, no one’s like anyone on TV. Something different. Something where the woman is irresponsible because she doesn’t care. That’s what I’m looking for. Like Sarah Silverman. See? Someone figured it out.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Desmond Tutu on Craig Ferguson

Last night Craig Ferguson had Nobel Peace Prize Winner Desmond Tutu on his show and Jimmy Fallon had… Cameron Diaz and Billy Crudup. As Tutu laughed like a small child at Ferguson’s jokes I thought about how the night before Craig was laughing in his own maniacal manner when Wolfgang Puck flicked flour playfully on his shirt. Or how Tutu put his hands on the desk to demonstrate that on one side of the street a human body would by laying and on the other side of the street a man would be laughing and drinking. And that on Monday night Paris Hilton was sitting in that same seat pressing her hands into her lap in order to make sure her triceps popped whilst they propped up her cleavage.

Tutu does a mean impersonation of Nelson Mandela. Way more endearing than Fallon’s De Niro. To humanize himself he talked about the marital strife caused by squeezing the toothpaste in the middle. And then gave his “Watchu talkin’ about Willis” look to Ferguson when he assumed that Desmond never fights with his wife.

Ferguson had to cut him off for time in the middle of a great quote about Obama: “America is experiencing a Mandela Moment.” Tutu did all this while wearing a mighty big piece of crucifix bling.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Glenn Beck Schmuck Baits FEMA Camps

Glenn Beck talked about the existence of FEMA Camps on Fox & Friends in order to promote the topic for his own show later that evening. He even want so far as to say he can’t debunk FEMA camps. But then on his show later that day he said that the research isn’t complete and that it’s irresponsible not to debunk it so we’ll have to check back in a couple of days and he’ll explain it to us then. The most heartwarming part was when he told us that he “lost sleep” over something that doesn’t exist, like his sanity.

Then Ron Paul finally comes on the show to explain that there are fears that we have FEMA concentration camps but he hasn’t seen any. I think we can all come up with one: the New Orleans Super Dome during Hurricane Katrina. But the point is that Glenn is teasing a tease. He teased people earlier to watch his show and then when they came to watch his show he said “let me get back to you.” It’s what we in the sitcom biz call Schmuck Bait.

You plug that your main character is going to die on this week’s episode and everyone comes out to watch to see what will happen. Of course your main character won’t die on a sitcom. Sure “Lost” will kill off a character so you better tune in but a sitcom just sends them off to college or their mom’s house because they want to do movies. And predictably Beck didn’t have any evidence to prove or disprove their existence but if you stick around he’ll get Ron Paul to come on and say the exact same thing.