Never Not Wrong

Mitt Romney recently embarked upon a book tour/2012 Presidential campaign with the release of “No Apology: The Case for American Greatness.” Therefore, I would like to make a literary comparison between “No Apology” and Jim Belushi’s tome entitled “Real Men Don’t Apologize.”

See if you can match the excerpt with the author:

1. “The year was 1987, and I was working on a little film called
‘Red Heat.’”

2. "There are anti-American fires burning all across the globe; President Obama's words are like kindling to them."

3. “To illustrate my point, I'm gonna tell you a story about a gourmet dinner I had with Mike Ditka.”

4. “The value of controlling Iran, for example, is enormous for the Khomeinist jihadists.”

5. “What I have to say might change your life. At the very least, it should help get you laid.”

Answer Key:
1. Belushi (also works for Arnold Schwarzenegger)
2. Romney (oddly enough if you replace Obama with Bush you’d be
quoting directly from Keith Olbermann’s autobiography)
3. Belushi (also works for “a steak the size of my arm”)
4. Romney (Note: The chapter on Iran was cut from Belushi’s book)
5. Belushi/Romney*

*I can only assume that Romney went into politics to change people’s lives... and to help get them laid.

And because at least one of these two books is full of quizzes which you should label yourself with and base all further life decisions upon, here’s another test, this time with multiple choice formatting:

1. “I found a community of men to help me. And, most importantly, I discovered that only a man can teach another man what being a man is all about.”

A. Belushi on support groups.
B. Romney on the Mormon Church.
C. Revelatory quote from whichever closeted homosexual Congressman has a scandal breaking as you read this.

2. "Life was like that television show."

A. Belushi on “According to Jim”
B. Romney on “Let’s Make a Deal”
C. Vague comment that people say when a surreal thing happens to them. Though, usually they say “It was like a movie.” So never mind.

3. "We need to make it work"

A. Romney on the current retirement health plan for seniors.
B. Belushi quoting his first wife on their marriage.
C. Tim Gunn’s catchphrase on “Project Runway.”

4. "‘They sent me boys when I need men.’"

A. Romney quoting a CEO from his early days in business.
B. Belushi quoting the casting agent from the first gig he booked in Hollywood.
C. General Erskine screaming to his Marines as they stormed Iwo Jima.

5. “Taming the beast.”

A. Romney’s subheader within his chapter entitled “Healing Healthcare”
B. Belushi’s subheader within his chapter entitled “Shacking Up”
C. Episode 38 of “The Dog Whisperer”

ANSWER KEY:
1. A. Belushi on support groups.
2. B. Romney on “Let’s Make a Deal”
3. A. Romney on the current retirement health plan for seniors.
4. A. Romney quoting a CEO from his early days in business.
5. A. Romney’s subheader within his chapter entitled “Healing Healthcare”

Congratulations! You’re a demographic.