Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Fox News Need a Proofreader

Fox News went ahead and ran the Kennedy Dies article written the day after the inauguration. I know this because look at the date on the article on their page right now.

Monday, August 24, 2009

"We Need to Get Control of the Media"

At the healthcare townhall meeting this weekend in Los Angeles with Maxine Waters, a man got up to speak about the rumors and fabrications in the media. He kept repeating "We need to Get Control of the Media" which while I know what he's saying, isn't the way to say it. Because it sounds like censorship when it should be a call for re-branding. Like when a product is new, you can only keep that word on the box of cereal for six months and then the government doesn't allow it as it's not new any more. When there's a certain amount of opinion or unsubstantiated "facts" then the word news shouldn't be allowed in your title. It should be something like Fox Opinion or MSNBC Diatribe.

Below is the video I recorded of his concerns. Which, like my earlier blog on the topic was just a story he wanted to tell, not a question he wanted to ask.

PS, the photo above is of the two cameras from the media who were there during the speeches but had already left at the time of this man's speech.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Healthcare Townhall in LA

There was a Healthcare Townhall meeting today in Los Angeles moderated by Rep. Maxine Waters and as you would expect in LA there were less political crazies than mental crazies. I know you might believe the political crazies to be mental crazies but these were just mental crazies with a bipartisan approach.

There was a guy talking about how he knew Colin Powell and that Colin should be in on the meeting he wants to have with Maxine. And a woman who said "Redondo Beach is the worst city in the world" due to its poor health care in not treating her epilepsy and taking away her children and letting other people spank them. A bit of a rambler. So all in all there were more people wanting to tell their story than ask a question because they were overwhelmingly supporters of Obama and you can't stop someone once they start talking about their health. In fact, there were so many people who wanted to talk about their health that there were not enough seats and people had to stand out in the lobby and just listen to the proceedings.

I was expecting more out of the black guy with the Glenn Beck "Don't Tread on Me T-Shirt". I mention his race because who knew there were African American Glenn Beck supporters? But all he did was sarcastically say "We're going to be paying for our healthcare? But Obama said that we wouldn't pay a dime."

So, no screams of "Socialism" or "Nazi!" and the only rifle I saw was toted by a color guard but it's likely that those old screaming white people who usually show up are too scared to attend a Townhall in Inglewood.

This guy must have been there to talk about prenatal care.

Now, the video I recorded which follows is probably just an angry Veteran but he did start off talking about when he fell in love with Maxine which caused the audience to yell at him to get to the point and then this happened...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Robyn Adams, Solo Traveler

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Reagan Propaganda Extends to imdb.com

Man, did I come across a full-on Reagan propaganda machine on his imdb bio page. You'll enjoy such fun facts as "Ronald Reagan is, arguably, the most successful actor in history" and "He once had to retrieve an old man's dentures at the bottom of the pool and did so without hesitating."

Upon further investigation you will find that his entire comment section is filled by "two" posters "Conservatives are Awwesome" (their spelling) and "Flight Suit Boyy" (also their spelling) from just two days ago and are posted in the order of every other in an attempt to look like two different people.

Take a look at it for yourself, "they've" covered everything from: "Put Ronald Reagan on Mount Rushmore" to "Why Extremists dislike Reagan and Ike (because of their jealousy!)." Shouldn't that be spelled "Xtremists", Mr. "Hip" Nomenclature?

Let's find out more about these "Xtremely spelled" 80s style user names:

Conservatives Are Awwesome joined April 26, 2006 and was last active July 23, 2009 and all of his posts except for one are on Reagan's site. The one exception being a post on Ike's wall.

Flight Suit Boyy, presumably George W Bush, joined April 25, 2006 and was also last active on July 23, 2009 and has posted exclusively on Reagan's site.

Hmm. One day apart in joining imdb and sudden activity in the past three days...

Well anyways, I'll leave you with these parting repetitions from Flight Suit Boyy "Reagan achieved this with astonishing swiftness... Reagan quickly taught O'Neill new lessons in hardball... In a breathtakingly short time by political standards, the Cold War ended in Western victory." Yes, speed = great President.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Religious Segregation

Watching Khamenei speak to a crowd full of guys. No women in the crowd as he makes fun of "the husband of this woman who speaks for him." And they laugh.

Sounds like a Leno joke during the Clinton administration. I'm waiting for the dancing Ayatollahs to come out any second.

And now the immediate feigned Glenn Beck style crying. "I want those around me to know that I'm so religious that I'm so overcome with emotion that my shoulders are shaking and I have to hide my eyes." Oh, look they're fine, seconds later, no longer overcome with emotion.

The crowd beneath the cover reminds me of chickens in a coop clucking along and rustling their feathers.

And so this man with a mighty presumptuous title has said that the election was a definitive victory that cannot be challenged on the streets.

Oh, yeah? It can, it has, and it will.

Yes, we can.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Tweet is Mightier than the Sword

How low is Ahmadinejad’s self esteem right now? I mean, he left the country and went to Russia during all of the protesting just to get away. And Russia was like, “I don’t know what to tell you. We were all godless Communists 18-years-ago. And that didn’t work out for us either. Now, don’t shake my hand on camera.”

But the topic of getting away from it all brings to mind the former Mayor of Washington, DC, Marion Barry, who went to the Super Bowl, held in Southern California that year, during a city crippling snow storm. Okay, maybe it’s not exactly the same. But when the criticism sent Barry running back he was shown on the news shoveling snow off of the sidewalks and into the streets where the cars would take care of it. Yep, he always knew exactly what to do.

And so I would like to draw a parallel between these two former mayors by using a quote from the night that caused his temporary removal from the office of Mayor. Marion Barry, “Bitch set me up.”

Ahmadinejad should be using this as his mantra tonight as the Supreme “Bitch” has set him up. Not a crack whore in an FBI hidden camera hotel room bust but an ayatollah and the ayatollah before him. Which, come on guys, what’s with the one letter difference in name: Khomeini/Khameini? What are you George W Bush and George H W Bush? I guess it gets you into “office” easier. Right, John Q Adams?

Anyways, these clerics put Ahmadinejad out front like Tony Soprano put his Uncle Corrado Soprano out there as the leader of the family, when really it’s him. That way, he doesn’t go to jail first. In Iran’s situation Ahmadinejad is pushed forward like some PR representative conducting press conferences on behalf of the clerics. And the world listens to his Tom Cruise-like rantings with the same reaction “What the hell is wrong with that guy? If he’d just shut up, I’d go see his movie.”

And this Musavi must have a directly oppositional heightened sense of self-esteem when he's just really a choice, not THE choice, but A choice. These clerics are the ones running the country and they’re the ones in charge of these “fashion police” who go around harassing people about their hair cuts...

...and their scarf coverage...

...and their paisley.

Sure, “What Not to Wear” would be all over that last pattern choice but the option of the little black dress that every woman must have in her closet is a long black dress that every woman MUST have in her closet. And on her body covering up her rights. In the United States when women were finally allowed to wear pants they gained the vote, it came along at the same time and there’s something about the freedom to choose what you wear, the freedom over what’s on the outside that leads to freedom of what’s on the inside, the freedom to think, the freedom to choose, the freedom to decide. I know, decide is the same as choose but I’m a stickler for rule of threes.

And so I’ll use Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as analysis of the “Fashion Police” and their effect on Iranians.

The concept of Maslow’s Hierarchy is that you have to satisfy your baser instincts before you can become fully Self-Actualized. First on the list is food and water, second is a sense of security, third is companionship, fourth a sense of achievement, and fifth is self-actualization. If you need one of the lower items on the list, then you start all over in your pursuit of actualization. And so when your safety, which is only second on the list, is constantly attacked you have a hard time concentrating on anything else. I know we all get hungry and thirsty but I’m trying to make a point here, so pay attention. When your job is to only concern yourself with the outside, then you definitely don’t spend much time getting higher on that list. I mean, grocery store tabloids are no better than Iranian fashion police. They’re both concerned with how much cellulite is showing.

Yes, the outside is a display of what’s going on on the inside. But forcing someone “to believe” isn’t going to make them believe. And testing yourself, averting your own eyes away from that sexy old lady’s hair would be a greater measure of your self-actualization than constantly looking for something that you “should” be denying yourself.

If someone’s not at prayer and you’re harassing them for not going, then you’re not at prayer which is where Allah wants you to be in your time zone at that particular moment.

And so what I’m saying is that the Fashion Police are blocking Ahmadinejad from becoming self-actualized because their actions have caused the country to rise up against him, therefore lowering his self esteem level 5, his sense of achievement level 4, his sense of companionship level 3, his sense of security level 2, and I bet all of this dissent is really making him thirsty so now he’s back to level number one. And a world without a fully self-actualized Ahmadinejad, well, we all remember what Corrado did to Tony on “The Sopranos.”

Then again, maybe a fully self-actualized Ahmadinejad isn’t such a good thing.

One more parallel, Al Gore had an election stolen from him and he became the “going green” agent for change. Mussavi had an election stolen from him and he became the “going green” agent for change.

Icons are a powerful thing.

Sabzi, baby, Sabzi.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

#CNNFAIL s While BBC Brings It

This fat dude at BBC kicks ass. And so does the mob chasing the police off.

Why isn't CNN showing footage of the 1979 revolution? In the absence of "confirmed" reports they could have at least analyzed the parallels. I mean, they're always asking people to tell them "what's going on this weekend" on Twitter. #CNNFAIL

Where's My Vote?

Guy beaten to death in Iran keeps getting taken down.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Drill Baby Drill

I said "Hey, Andy, you should do a reenactment [or enactment or whatever] of this" and he did. So he gave me an Inspired by credit. Which is-- Well, you should watch it and then you'll see why it's a wonderful choice of words in conjunction with this topic.

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Screen capture of an ad I clicked on on Drudge Report:

"The Second Coming of Christ. What does this mean for America? In addition to hard-hitting investigative reports by Ed [Wasn't he the mayor of NYC?] Koch... Ben [Bueller? Bueller?] Stein... David [Rush has a bother?] Limbaugh." Hard-hitting reports in this case means angry.

I can only assume that the next issue will include The Lost Book of Glenn.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

LAX Story

This headline reads "Angry Passengers Stage Sit-In." I don't know about you, but I believe that's called waiting.

Nielsen Threats

O'Reilly: "If I could get my hands on Tiller-- Well, you know. Can't be vigilantes. Can't do that. It's just a figure of speech."

Tacking just kidding onto the end of your sentence doesn't change the irresponsible words you use that garner more than just ratings. But you're not really careful with your words are you, Falafel?

English Fail

Here's a protest poster that I came across in the Plaza De Armas in Cuzco, Peru.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Read The Fine Print

Way to use Christ's birthday as a measure of your own, Atheism.

And since I'm on the topic of where the God-fearing and the god-less intersect, here's my reality show pitch as it's the most common medium through which we observe both states existing within one entity or in the form of a hot tub three-way, usually both.

Oh, Coach

"I've been on food stamps and welfare. Nobody helped me out." Thanks, Coach, for not making any sense. And now I'm going to go crazy because Glenn Beck has rewritten Thomas Paine's "Common Sense." A sense he is sorely lacking.

Or So I Was Saying

"If when beauty fades, thought, the deft and unseen sculptor, hath not left his subtle lines upon the face, then all is lost. No charm is left. The light is out. There is no flame within to glorify the wrinkled clay.”

Or at least that's what I think when I'm watching The Girls Next Door.

And now, watch my recut of "The Women."

Monday, May 18, 2009


A Dallas couple says that this is Cheesus. But I think it's more of a...

Mr. Burns.

Or maybe it's the pope. But that gets me back to religious imagery and that whole Cheney's hat thing.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Cheney's Hat

Drudge uses this photo to go with an article on Cheney criticizing Obama's "dangerous plans." Which, I'm sorry, makes Cheney look even more evil than usual, like he's there to get Obama. Wouldn't you choose a photo of Obama looking "evil" to make your point?

But then when Drudge chooses this photo to go along with an article about how the Pope isn't expressing enough remorse for the Holocaust while he's in Israel I have to ask... Is Cheney the Pope's shadow?

Or is he...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The 912 Project AKA Glenn Goes Beckshit Crazy AKA I’m Trying to Wrestle the Spotlight Away From Rush Limbaugh

Glenn Beck’s new website is The 912 Project. It’s Craigslist for Republicans. He announced it on his special show yesterday “We the People: You Are Not Alone.” He wants to unite us, but only the 9/12 us, not the 9/10 us.

It’s an obvious use of the “day after 9/11” concept that is often used in Beck’s conservative circles. Meaning that the terrorists changed everything and we can’t live with the relaxed attitudes of yore.

Beck’s 12 values as of 9/12 are: Honesty (through fake tears), Reverence (honoring our forefathers by rejecting the government they formed), Hope (not the Obama kind), Thrift (don’t forget to buy my Hate U T-shirt and magnet. It’s a must have), Humility (humble enough to make this list of “my” values for you to follow), Charity (with caveats), Sincerity (and fake tears), Moderation (by going overboard), Hard Work (at getting choked up), Courage (to be crazy in public), Personal Responsibility (of Fox News for putting a lunatic on the air), Gratitude (to myself ‘cause I’m the best).

And the 9 principles as of 9/12 are: 1. America is good, (What’s my definition of America? It used to mean the post 9/11 you must support the Bush administration situation and the citizens I agree with but now it just means the citizens who agree with me) 2. I believe in God and he is the Center of my life, (god is a Christian god, Muslims worship some foreign type god and I used to be an addict so if I don’t fear god, I relapse. Can I get an amen?) 3. I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday, (people should know every little thing that I’m thinking) 4. The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government, (my daughter can’t have an abortion without my consent, and don’t mention my sacred divorce, that’s in the past) 5. If you break the law, you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it, (I’m afraid the terrorists at Gitmo are going to get a fair trial in the US) 6. I have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results, (suck it underprivileged children, your parents are dumb) 7. I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable, (Instead, I want Glenn Beck to mandate my charity-see #6 of the 12 values) 8. It’s not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion, (unless the President is a Conservative and it’s 0 to 7 years after 9/11 and then I must stand blindly behind my President and keep my opinions to myself) 9. The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me. (So if I break the law, then I shouldn’t pay the penalty—Wait, principle #5. Am I above the government or are they below me? Oh, right, I’m a top. Then I won’t pay my taxes.)

So strap on your tennis shoes and cut off your balls, we’re starting a cult. As an added bonus if we act now, we get to watch his mental breakdown accompanied by Chuck Norris via satellite. I hope he sells a lot of Total Gyms.

Glenn Beck is Howard Beale from “Network.” Not the “Mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore” Howard Beale. No, Glenn’s not angry, he’s scared, wimperingly scared. He’s the evangelizing “news man” portion of Howard Beale as evidenced by the video below minus the exposing of his AND the media’s lies for ratings.

Let’s take a look at Glenn Beck’s new logo.

It’s a knock off of the political cartoon that Benjamin Franklin drew as a representation of the “disunited state” of the colonies.

The slogan beneath it read “JOIN, or DIE.” So Beck, like P. Diddy before him is borrowing from BenFran in a sloppy way. P. Diddy went with “Vote or Die!” which was a bit of an overstatement. And Beck went with “UNITE, or DIE” in order to promote disuniting with the government.

And before that the original Gadsen Flag had an intact snake which read “DON’T TREAD ON ME” a much more likely slogan for what Beck wants but he went with Franklin’s ‘cause he’s a brand name and Beck believes in the superstition that a snake cut up into pieces will reunite and come back to life at sundown… sundown on 9/11. Which if you go by the Jewish way of starting the day, is the beginning of the 9/12 Sabbath.

Beck wants us to unite against the government. Franklin wanted us to unite AS a government.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Mormon Endowment Ceremony on Big Love

Big Love’s going to give us a look inside the Mormon temple. In the usual attempt not to get publicity, the LDS church has caused way more publicity than this show usually gets. The showrunner released this message in response to their concerns: “We therefore took great pains to depict the ceremony with the dignity and reverence it is due.”

Reverence it is due? I did the research for the Bill Maher documentary “Religulous” so you know where I’m going with this. Mormonism is a knock off of Christianity just like Christianity is a knock off of every other early polytheism. There’s a treasure hunting Joseph Smith who finds success as a prophet by making up a story about finding golden plates in the ground which no one else ever saw and are just plagiarizisms of the King James Bible and View of the Hebrews. He’s very L Ron Hubbard in his copying of any old thing laying about and passing himself off as a prophet.

Joseph Smith was a seer trained to locate buried treasure “put his face over the hat to block the light, and then "see" the sought-for information in the stone's reflections.” View of the Hebrews was published five years before the Book of Mormons by someone other than Joseph Smith. And therefore we often said during filming that Mormonism is a religion based on a dime store novel.

So I’ll just list off some “facts” that most people don’t know about Mormonism:

Native Americans sailed here from Israel in 600 BC.

The Garden of Eden is in Jackson, Missouri.

Here’s the part that freaks out Christians “Jesus Christ was not begotten by the Holy Ghost. (“Journal of Discourses”, Vol. 1:50-51, Brigham Young)

GOD LIVES ON KOLOB - KOLOB is a planet nearest to the throne of God. Abraham 3:2 “And I saw the stars, that they were very great, and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; … 3 …the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God (The Book of Mormon)

WE ARE GODS - Doctrine and Covenants 132:19 “And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, …Ye …shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—… 20 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. (The Book of Mormon)

The Caffeine thing came about from an interpretation of D&C 89:9 in the Book of Mormon about not drinking hot drinks which was interpreted to mean tea and coffee which was then extrapolated into cola drinks in "Q&A: Questions and Answers," New Era, Oct. 1975, 34. So a magazine told Mormons the evils of Coca Cola.

They baptize themselves in the name of those of us who are not Mormons. Including dead people like Jews who died in the Holocaust. Whether you know it or not, you may very well have already been baptized. “Big Love” showed this practice a couple of episodes ago without anyone saying much about it. One of the wives’ mother’s died, she was not a Mormon so one of the wives was baptized for her. No one went into an uproar then because no one was paying attention.

Willard Marriott, the chief of the hotel of the same name, said about the Magic Mormon Underwear (that a Mormon must wear under their clothing) during a “60 Minutes” interview “I was in a very serious boat accident. Fire--boat was on fire, I was on fire. I was burned. My pants were burned right off of me. I was not burned above my knee. Where the garment was, I was not burned.”

So we’re all gods. And god lives on another planet. And black people are cursed, once the curse is gone they will turn white. Thank god indeed. I’m just surprised that more people aren’t making fun of Mormons and their space god shit like they do with Scientologists. Here’s the religion in easy to digest cartoon form and the “60 Minutes” interview about the merits of fire retardant god cotton. It’s like the black box of underwear. They should make their whole outfit out of it.

Castle, It’s Just a TV Show

“Castle” premiered on ABC last night. And I have one rhetorical question (I know there’s no such thing as a rhetorical question on the internet) to ask. Do you like tried and true guy goofs off while girl is straight laced and not having any of his hilarious sexual innuendo? Then this is the show for you.

Nathan Fillion of “Firefly” is the goof off novelist whose plot lines are being copied by a killer. This actor has made his living playing flawed yet likeable. But on the topic of the plot of the show, I think the funny man straight man dynamic has been replaced by the funny man straight girl dynamic. Or more recently the funny guy funny guy dynamic. “Sahara,” “National Treasure,” really any bounty hunting vehicle shows this well. I mean, it’s not just the girl isn’t funny thing, it’s the girl is the responsible one thing. “Knocked Up,” you know, you can just keep going and going and going.

Now that women have been accepted consistently as action stars, to the point of it being formula, the next break through will be a woman being unreliably goofy. Ditzy is different. I mean sexually aggressive and dumb yet intelligent goofy. And I don’t care if you think women aren’t any of those things. It doesn’t matter, no one’s like anyone on TV. Something different. Something where the woman is irresponsible because she doesn’t care. That’s what I’m looking for. Like Sarah Silverman. See? Someone figured it out.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Desmond Tutu on Craig Ferguson

Last night Craig Ferguson had Nobel Peace Prize Winner Desmond Tutu on his show and Jimmy Fallon had… Cameron Diaz and Billy Crudup. As Tutu laughed like a small child at Ferguson’s jokes I thought about how the night before Craig was laughing in his own maniacal manner when Wolfgang Puck flicked flour playfully on his shirt. Or how Tutu put his hands on the desk to demonstrate that on one side of the street a human body would by laying and on the other side of the street a man would be laughing and drinking. And that on Monday night Paris Hilton was sitting in that same seat pressing her hands into her lap in order to make sure her triceps popped whilst they propped up her cleavage.

Tutu does a mean impersonation of Nelson Mandela. Way more endearing than Fallon’s De Niro. To humanize himself he talked about the marital strife caused by squeezing the toothpaste in the middle. And then gave his “Watchu talkin’ about Willis” look to Ferguson when he assumed that Desmond never fights with his wife.

Ferguson had to cut him off for time in the middle of a great quote about Obama: “America is experiencing a Mandela Moment.” Tutu did all this while wearing a mighty big piece of crucifix bling.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Glenn Beck Schmuck Baits FEMA Camps

Glenn Beck talked about the existence of FEMA Camps on Fox & Friends in order to promote the topic for his own show later that evening. He even want so far as to say he can’t debunk FEMA camps. But then on his show later that day he said that the research isn’t complete and that it’s irresponsible not to debunk it so we’ll have to check back in a couple of days and he’ll explain it to us then. The most heartwarming part was when he told us that he “lost sleep” over something that doesn’t exist, like his sanity.

Then Ron Paul finally comes on the show to explain that there are fears that we have FEMA concentration camps but he hasn’t seen any. I think we can all come up with one: the New Orleans Super Dome during Hurricane Katrina. But the point is that Glenn is teasing a tease. He teased people earlier to watch his show and then when they came to watch his show he said “let me get back to you.” It’s what we in the sitcom biz call Schmuck Bait.

You plug that your main character is going to die on this week’s episode and everyone comes out to watch to see what will happen. Of course your main character won’t die on a sitcom. Sure “Lost” will kill off a character so you better tune in but a sitcom just sends them off to college or their mom’s house because they want to do movies. And predictably Beck didn’t have any evidence to prove or disprove their existence but if you stick around he’ll get Ron Paul to come on and say the exact same thing.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Prince of Botanists Winning Answer?

Who is Carl Linnaeus? That was the response, answer, question (whatever the hell they call it on Jeopardy when you say something after Alex does) that moved Leland Graham onto his third round of the long running game show. He was the only contestant who knew that Carl Linnaeus was the one who wanted his gravestone to read Princeps Botanicorum.

You guessed it, Linnaeus was the guy who gave us binomial nomenclature, the scientific naming system that us Homo sapiens loathingly memorized in Biology class. Taxonomy: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus and Species. And looking at the photo of the tombstone he shares with his father above, his wife said “Princeps Botanicorum my ass.” And they went with the old standby of birth, death and Latin.

I have to wonder why there isn’t a movie about this Classification Rapping Crenshaw High School Biology teacher from 1989?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Jersey Devil Not Just a Hockey Player

The History Channel aired an episode of “MonsterQuest” last night called “Devils in New Jersey.” Previously unbeknownst to me, and I imagine you, there is a legend that goes along with the name Jersey Devil dating back to 1735. It’s got a tinge of “Rosemary’s Baby” and “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” to it. Apparently a lady didn’t want to have another baby so she asked for a devil instead. I mean, it just follows.

Twenty minutes after she gave birth it grew to the size of two full grown men with red eyes, a horse’s head, goat legs, a serpentine tail and bat-like wings. Not the tiny ones, man sized wings. The devil killed the midwife and her assistant and then flew up the chimney. And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight “You will be cursed as New Jersians, your state will stink upon sight.”
The moral of this story: If this lady had just had an abortion, South Jersey wouldn’t have had to suffer the fear of this terrible local myth.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Who Invented the Car?

In last night’s speech Obama said that America invented the car. But a French guy named Nicolas-Joseph Cugnot is most often credited as the inventor. Though, it is like the television, no one came up with the car as we know it, all at once. If you want to start with theoretical invention, then da Vinci should get the credit.

It’s likely that what Obama meant was that we mastered the whole car manufacturing thing through mass production but he should at least do a quick skim of Wikipedia before saying something like that or he’ll be compared to Al Gore inventing the internet when he meant that he popularized the term “the information superhighway.”

Anyways, here’s a reenactment of the first car crash ever in 1769. At 2 ½ miles per hour, it’s well worth the watch.

Bobby Jindal or Kenneth the Page?

Besides Chris Matthews gasping “Oh, god” under his breath just as Governor Jindal and his pasted on smile slid down the hall towards camera, Bobby Jindal introduced himself to us in the style of Kenneth the Page and a local car salesman shooting his cable access advertisement.

If SNL doesn’t do a Kenneth as Jindal and Tina Fey as Palin sketch next week, then I don’t know what to do with them. They’ll probably just do a sketch about Pelosi jumping up before Obama even starts to speak while Biden rolls his eyes and begrudgingly stands up to clap. Or maybe “30 Rock” will do a “Moon Over Parador”/“Dave” episode where Kenneth has to replace Bobby as President when he passes away unexpectedly.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sheer Bliss Ironic Cream

"Sex and the City's" Kim Cattrall is the celebrity spokesperson for Sheer Bliss Ice Cream. Their flavors include: Pomegranate, Pomegranate with Chocolate Chips, Vanilla with Pomegranate Swirls, Vanilla, Dark Chocolate, Mediterranean Coffee and Freedom. Freedom? Noticing the preponderance of pomegranate in the flavor listings I thought I’d check to see if Freedom is free from pomegranate. And… no. Freedom is not pomegranate free. But it is dedicated to “the American veteran and their families.”

Now mythologically speaking pomegranate seeds are known for having forced Persephone to return to the underworld one season every year for each seed that Hades tricked her into eating. Much like the military’s stop loss program where if you’ve been in the military, they can involuntarily pull you back in even after you’ve served your term of service. Freedom indeed. That Sheer Bliss you’re looking for will cost you 290 calories per serving.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Jerry Lewis Protested at the Oscars

Jerry Lewis received the humanitarian Oscar last night ‘cause god knows he’d never be nominated for acting. The weirdest thing that I learned about Jerry last night was, through an offhanded mention during the usual technical awards brush off, that he invented video assist. I doubt he invented it per say, he probably just said let’s use that video tape doohickey machine on the film cameras so that the director can see what’s being shot instead of trusting the camera man to get it. And then he patented the use.

Initially I was wondering why Eddie Murphy of all people would be presenting the award to Jerry but then I remembered that he remade “The Nutty Professor.” So what better way to make you feel more alive and vital then to have the guy who remade one of your movies, because it’s been that long since you made it, be the one who present your greatest award to you.

That was on the inside of the Kodak Theatre. On the outside of the Kodak Theatre there were people protesting Lewis’ telethon as it causes you to take pity on people with muscular dystrophy. Take pity and send 800 million dollars over the years to help cure it. While they’re at it, they should protest something more important like the airing of any of Jerry Lewis’ films.

Watch him say “fag” on his telethon. I’m sure Harvey Milk would have approved. And talk about being uncomfortable with female comedians making fart noises with their armpits. I assume he means his five-year-old niece. And then the topper to his antiquated views “You don’t want to be pitied for being a cripple in a wheelchair. Stay in your house.” The Oscars didn’t slip that nugget into the highlight reel.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Sophie’s Choice, Don’t Do It

“Sophie’s Choice” is the title of a book adapted into a 1982 film starring Meryl Streep AND it’s a Watergate-like term used when someone has to make a heart wrenching choice and they want to use pop culture to explain themselves like a local newscaster. You could just call it a choice but people often tack Sophie’s on the front of it in order to express a tough or emotional decision like, Coke or Pepsi?

This is Streep’s 15th Oscar Nomination. She’s already won three. The last being for “Sophie’s Choice.” So watch out for the Entertainment Reporters using it as a sports-like analogy between her performance in “Doubt” and Kate Winslet’s in “The Reader.”

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Valentine’s Day Pagan Holiday Just Like Christmas

Sure, the names represent a Christian origin: St. Valentine and Christ. Though, even that’s debatable. But let’s just cover the pagan rituals. Juno, the Roman goddess of women, was celebrated in a pagan festival every February 15th. This morphed over the years into a celebration on Feb 14th. The St. Valentine connection has been attributed to two different priests who were martyred. It’s likely they were the same person, like Jesus and God, but both were said to send correspondence and thus they were called: “Valentines.” Of course, since they were clergy, they had no romantic inclinations and therefore the connection to romance takes us back to the Roman Goddess of women. ‘Cause ladies are all about romance.

And then, there’s Cupid. Originally he had a homosexual agenda. Making men fall in love with men and women fall for women. But in “The Aeneid”, Virgil made Dido fall for Aeneas at the hands of Cupid, so that was that. Someone wrote it down and then some of us read it in English class and then fat guys started wearing diapers and tiny wings.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Joaquin’s Stylist Recommends Dreadlocks and a Beard for Letterman Appearance

While many are speculating drug use or alcohol in an attempt to explain Joaquin Phoenix’s uncooperative appearance on Letterman last night, I’m going to say with confidence that it’s a character he’s playing and the footage will go in his movie which will likely be a docu-style film of him awkwardly attempting to become a hip hop singer. Letterman’s professional sarcasm allowed him to handle Phoenix’s one word answers with comments like “Joaquin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight.”

After Joaquin we all cleansed our palettes with the guest who followed: the new Sports Illustrated cover model Bar Refaeli. As Letterman held up her bikini pics, the studio audience wasn’t sure whether to clap or masturbate. Many did both.

In looking up other Letterman weird interviews I found one by Crispin Glover dressed in a weird outfit and rambling on. At the time everyone said he was on acid, but if you watch this music video that he came on to promote three years later, you will see the same character at 1:50 minutes into the video.

And here's the Letterman weirdness of which I speak.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It's a very Wall Street Christmas Story

Wall Street’s reaction to the complaints about handing out bonuses to their top execs immediately after receiving billions in a government bailout was to do something vastly different, hand out awards. As James Gorman, co-president of Morgan Stanley states in a conference call between Morgan Stanley and Smith Barney "There will be a retention award. Please do not call it a bonus. It is not a bonus. It is an award.”

In the words of Ralphie’s Old Man “It’s an award. A major award.” I hope they enjoy their leg lamps.

Senior Citizen wins Westminster

In what will no doubt become a Hollywood movie, dog themed films have been pretty popular lately, a ten-year-old Sussex Spaniel named Stump came out of retirement to win Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show last night. But the story really starts when he came close to death from an undiagnosed condition when he was five, which forced him into early retirement. Clocking in at 70 in dog years he’s not quite ready to order his Hover Round yet. Let’s just hope for the sake of his two sons, Root and Forest, that he doesn’t have any sex scandals and lose his title during his year long reign.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

America says don’t stimulate me… via paperwork

Americans for Prosperity, a lobbyist group, has been calling for Americans (red state voters) to sign a no stimulus petition to be delivered physically to congress via as much paper, shrink wrap and cardboard as they can find rather than through ignorable email and phone calls.

They are therefore promoting the idea that they’ve gone viral, in much the same way that networks call new TV shows that haven’t aired yet “their new hit show.” They have also stated that their website has been down due to heavy traffic, you are then compelled to test it out, finding that it is miraculously up and running. If you say it, they will come.

Watch Tim Phillips, President of Americans for Prosperity, deliver his video on what he’d like from you.

In a second video Senator Inhofe from Oklahoma tells us that the bill is: “93% spending and only 7% stimulating.” Sort of like his sex life.

Their website states that “Americans for Prosperity Policy Director Phil Kerpen investigates taxpayer funded lobbying.”

Which is why it’s so cool that they don’t pay any taxes themselves as they’re exempt and their income in contributions was $5,695,000 in 2007, while they spent $6,768,000. Which means they spent $1,072,849 more, than they took in. So they’re pretty good at out of control spending while simultaneously investigating other people who do the same thing. Americans for Prosperity: Exempt from taxes, yet still not prosperous.

AFP Ironic 2007 Tax returns

Monday, February 9, 2009

James Earl Jones

I recall while watching James Earl Jones receive a SAG lifetime achievement award that he played the voice of a toilet on "According to Jim."